I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
