Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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