It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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