Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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