your parents love me but you hate me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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