omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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