we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
