it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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