So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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