Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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