My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
