You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
