You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
