Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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