Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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