i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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