we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
