I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
