Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
