I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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