the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
