I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
