I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
