I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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