I think my fart just growled at me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
