Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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