If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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