turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
