God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
