I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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