you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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