Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
