and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
