Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
