I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
