Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
