All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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