That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
