I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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