Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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