guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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