im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
