she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
