Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
