I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
