I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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