guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
