Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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