If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
