my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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