Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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