Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm too high and old for this...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
