I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
