my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
