I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
