I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
