if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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