My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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