Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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